Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Slowly Letting Go... Of Love Day

The Valentine mantel decorations have come down.  I'm no longer stamping everything we eat with a heart-shaped cookie cutter.  And I'm this close to finishing off the bag of pink foiled hershey kisses that's in the cupboard.  But this, my favorite holiday of the year, still lingers.  

This has been (another) good lesson in letting go.

On the monday night before Valentine's Day we ended up taking Elliot to the ER.  In the course of two hours he went from having a coughing fit brought on by being outside in the cold air, to laying limp and rosy-cheeked and breathing faster and more shallowly than any parent ever wants to see their small child breath.  Thankfully it turned into an uneventful night.  Turns out I overdosed him on albuterol... which made him a wild little monkey bouncing off the walls at eleven o'clock at night, but which also helped his lungs recover from his acute attack.  We left the ER, filled a prescription for antibiotics, and all snuggled down into our big bed at home at midnight.  Needless to say, Elliot stayed home the next day.  And so did his hand-made Valentines.  And the day after that, even though he went back to school, we were still too wiped out to take them.  And the night after that he puked all over everyone and everything.  Home again the next day.  Then back to school again after that.  And so it continues.  Four months after starting group childcare and Elliot is still getting bombarded with germs.  He is sick more than he is healthy.  And here his Valentine's sit.  

A lesson in staying present in the process, not the product. 
It happened at Christmas, too.  I had all of these hand-made ideas in mind for my sister-in-law (whose name I drew for gift-giving), but Elliot was hospitalized on December 19th for breathing treatments and we skipped the big family Christmas-eve party and before I knew it, Christmas was here and I hadn't made any of my gift ideas.  I've tried to make it up to her.  To myself.  Over time I've given a little of this.  Tried to make a little of that.  Nothing all too successful.  Nothing like I had imagined.  
Nothing like learning, again, to let go. 

Andrea's Valentine's present sits unfinished, too.  I don't know.  Maybe I've always been an un-finisher.  Someone with big ideas who doesn't complete any of them.  Or maybe I'm just tired.  This parenting stuff is seriously hard work.  And I feel like I am seriously tired. 

And so, as the sweet things on the mantel make way for new treasures.  And as the bag of Elliot's little love notes for his friends gets buried deeper and deeper below back packs and scarves and hats.  I say goodbye to my favorite holiday for this year.  And I take this as, yet another, lesson in learning to let go.   


Michelle said...

Oh Malia - we hope Elliot feels better soon, that sounded like a very scary valentine's day-eve. I hope you are all taking it easy and having lots of movie-popcorn-snuggle nights (and wine! Lots of wine! For you and Andrea, not Elliot, but if you want to be all European I think that's cool too.) I never finish projects and always feel bad about it, so you're not alone!

meguire said...

Sweet Malia,
How dare you even consider to categorize yourself as an "un-finisher". You do incredible things all the time. No good parent finishes every task when they have a toddler. Because the toddler's needs always come first- and yes they have many needs. You prioritize and sometimes other things take the back seat and sometimes these things don't get finished, and so what. It is such a good exercise in letting go. But let me remind you of just SOME of the amazing things you did accomplish- while juggling your life with toddler: Making and sending out x-mas cards, my sweet homemade spring flag banner, sending me a box of baby gifts, making Elliot his adorable school backpack. And of latest: whipping up a quick batch of cake balls as a bath time bride! You are amazing. I am always scratching my head and wondering how you do all these things when I couldn't even get it together to even send out a freakin' birth announcement. ah well. But yes, let go. Give yourself a break, and acknowledge that you accomplish so much, while being such an awesome partner, parent and friend. You are so, so loved.